"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." (Ps.62:8)

Yesterday was very hard. I had one really bad episode after a day of extreme weakness: I became so weak and faint that I had to lay down, but even then it took effort to just breathe. My head began to feel very faint...was I going to die? I can't tell you how many times I wondered that yesterday. I was afraid. At the peak of my weakness, my body began a strange cycle of repetitive tensing -- all of my muscles tightening at once over and over again. The weakness I felt subsided some after that...but it still hasn't gone away, and this morning I am praying for the grace to get through another day with so many unknowns.

"I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely, but He has not given me over to death." -- Ps. 118:17-18

I wonder what gave David confidence to say that? He must have felt sure that God was not going to let him die at that time. I wish I had that confidence. Not that I am afraid of dying; but I am afraid of how I might die. And I don't want to die like this.

This verse comforts me: "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints." (Ps 117:15) I don't know when God will have me die, and I don't know how it will happen...but I know that my death is precious to Him, just as my life is. And that all that He does is for my good. We serve a God Who is "merciful and gracious, abounding in steadfast love"!

My confidence must be in Who He IS. He has let me go through so much, that I fear where He might take me next. But "He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust"(Ps 103:14). And even what He has allowed is because of His mercy to me. I have to keep remembering that. His promises keep us. "THIS is my comfort in my affliction, that Your promise gives me life"! (Ps 119:50)

God of the day and of the night, in me there is darkness, but with You there is light. I am alone, but You will not leave me. I am weak, but You will come to my help. I am restless, but You are my peace. I am in haste, but You are the God of infinite patience. I am confused and lost, but You are eternal wisdom and You direct my path; now and for ever. Amen
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 1906-1945