It is 2 am, and I can't sleep. This time, I didn't wake up because I couldn't breathe; it was a nightmare, and I knew I couldn't sleep until I had fought off my fears with the Word of God. Being so exhausted physically, I just wanted to go back to sleep and forget my spiritual needs...

God continues to remind me that with my current physical struggles I am very much in a spiritual battle as well; they can't be separated. The only battle that I must always win is the spiritual -- it is the only one I am promised to win, through Christ. And He has overcome death! That realization is so, so powerful.

Reading through old journals has really encouraged me lately. Although at this point of my life I would say that this is by far the most difficult struggle I have found myself dealing with for such a long period of time, it is so good to be reminded of the trials that God has brought me through, and the promises that held me up then. There have been a few trials that I particularly remember being very dark, and in the middle of them it was also hard to see that God was engineering my circumstances for my good. And would He really be faithful? So much seemed to be at risk if He didn't follow through. It really seemed at times that my whole life would be ruined forever if He didn't, but every time, He has proven Himself so faithful and so good. And one day I know I will be able to say the same of what He is doing in my life now.

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints.

You hold my eyelids open;
am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, “Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.”Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?”

Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph.

When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
Your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
Your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
Your path through the great waters;
yet Your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

::Psalm 77