By healing or death, I know that one day this trial will be over. That fills me with hope; but it also fills me with urgency -- to hold on to all that God has been enabling me to see! I do not want to forget what I have learned, and I pray so earnestly that the Lord will let me hold fast to the ways He has caused me to grow. "Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I keep your word."

This is why I want to journal, to help me remember. Just as it is so powerful to be able to read what I have learned from past experiences, I know someday this will also be a lesson of the past.

What I want to remember...

:: Humility. We are weak. Completely incapable and helpless apart from God's mercy. My ability to perform well DOES NOT MATTER ALREADY!!!!! What I am able to do is the grace of God, and not anything of my own. My physical, emotional, mental and spiritual strength comes from God. Instead of always thinking that I don't measure up, I need humility; I need to realize that what I can't do is no surprise, that I really am nothing apart from Christ, capable of nothing apart from Him. It is what I CAN do that is the miracle; it is a miracle that God enables me to do anything at all. Instead of demanding that I should be able to do more, I need to rest in the gift of just being alive, and enjoying the ways God has made me able to serve. If I am striving, then I am trying to do things on my own strength -- I can add nothing to what Christ has done. And where I see my helplessness, I should see this as an opportunity for my greater realization of HIS POWER and my weakness A great thought: If apart from Christ I am not capable of any success, then apart from Christ I cannot fail either. A dead man can't fail to breathe. I should expect nothing of myself, but great things of Christ in me! And praise Him for every single (even seemingly small) thing He enables me to do.

:: Priorities. Some things that I do really don't matter that much. That doesn't mean I shouldn't do them, but I should realize what they are in light of my priorities. I am talking of things like cooking meals, having a perfect schedule with which to run my house, keeping my house clean and neat at all times, and in general keeping that "perfect housewife" image. I cannot tell you how many days in the last 3 months have NOT looked like the above picture! And my family survived. You might be thinking "what else does a wife and mom do?". The answer is, a lot. The things that my husband and kids need most from me are the intangible: my love. My time. My desire and ability to listen. My interest in everything that matters to them. My prayers. The strength that I find IN GOD and in His word, and the hope I can give them from understanding His promises to us. Understanding what the gospel means for me, what it means for them, and living and behaving towards them in a way that reflects that understanding. Being willing to set aside everything to just be there for them, and being sensitive to their needs and desires. Them being my highest priority. What that looks like on a day-to-day basis is often very practical, and serving them by giving them a warm and clean environment with good food to enjoy is certainly apart of that. But it is easy to forget why we really do those things. If the practical things fall apart, we will find ways to get through. But what a loss if we forget why we do them, and for Whom.

:: Evangelism. I don't mean in my head, or in my performance, but in my heart. God has really been opening my eyes to a lot on this one lately, and I am so thankful and praise Him for it! While I have been sick, I have begun to view others differently...I feel a closeness to those who are hurting in the world that I never did before. I always used to see the lost as another species from me -- we were from different worlds. But during these recent physical struggles, I have seen that we are all suffering from the same thing...the effects of sin in the world and in our own bodies and hearts. I hate the sin I see in the world, and the effects of sin in my life, and all the suffering it brings -- and this moves me to contrition and compassion. We were all born in sin, all have been slaves to sin. Before God adopted and made me HIS child through the saving blood of Christ, I had the same father that they did. And I did nothing to deserve this adoption! I deserve the condition that they are currently in, and the punishment that they will receive. Before I was adopted, they were my siblings. Everything that now separates me from them is the mercy of God...righteousness, a love for God and His truth, a love for His people, and the freedom to live as God has intended for us to. Seeing them should be a constant reminder to me of what I was saved from -- the effects, consequences, and eternal punishment of sin. And that is what I deserve. If God has been so gracious to me, one who deserved grace no more than they do, how can I not plead with God for them, having faith in His mercy and trusting that He does all things for a good purpose?