I used to be a big dreamer. In my teen years I was so passionate and determined, and I knew what I wanted: to be a world-changer. In my own words back then, I didn't want to just be a scratch on the surface of time -- I wanted to be a chasm. I didn't know how this would come about or what this would look like, but I was pretty sure I was going to be a Katharina Von Bora and marry a Martin Luther...or something like that.
Reflecting on those girl-hood hopes brings some irony when I look at where I am right now. Today found me on the constant verge of a panic attack just chasing around two toddlers, and that is typical for me these days...not just that, I'm praising God that I'm doing well enough to do that much! And so I realize that those dreams are just as good now as then, but my perception of what that girl should look like has changed. Because right now, incapable and needy and lost little me fills that role just as much as what I had always dreamed I should. Not because of me, but because of who I am in God. And it sure doesn't look like anything to aspire to. God works His greatest miracles in the most unexpected places. It is so true that God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise.
You are laying down a chasm on the surface of those two little toddlers, though.
ReplyDeleteThinking about wanting to be a world-changer and not just a scratch on the surface of time reminds me of a thought I had the other day...which was sort of similar. :) The other day, I was working on something that I thought was not only fun, but rather important to me, and then I began realizing that Rachel (playing on the floor) needed me. So I got up, ran her to the bathroom, cleaned up her mess, and so on.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I realized: what REALLY is more important here? My "important" and fun project? What is going to be more rewarding in the long run?
Yes. A bunch of crocheted flowers hanging from Rachel's ceiling would be rewarding--more for me than for anyone--but is it worth taking the time away from the *child*?
Basically what I'm trying to say is...*deep breath* Chasing around those two toddlers IS world-changing, and the influence you have over them (by the grace of God) IS going to leave a huge impact on the world. On them, on their children, and so on.
It seems so minute, so foolish--yes--but there will be great rewards.
Hey Tricia...just wanted to clarify cuz I realized that my post didn't do it for me: I guess I was talking more about being really sick is changing the world, not chasing around two toddlers. I was addressing the fact that being so sick that chasing around two toddlers is almost more than I can handle. I used to imagine myself as someday being Super Mom, and what I am right now is the farthest thing from it. And well, you know all that. :-) But I was speaking to that topic, not the one of motherhood.
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI know it's April 6th but I sure hope you get this comment.
I just want to tell you that I understand. Completely and deeply understand, all of it, including the posts below. More than you'll ever know. I will pray for you. And if the Lord lays it on your heart, pray for me. God be with you, friend.
Love in Jesus,
Luma