It is so hard to grasp a God Who is so great and awesome that He created grand mountains and swirling seas, so tender that He created sweet babies and delicate flowers...

Yet also allows my pain.

My Mom is staying with us right now. She, John and the kids are all sleeping soundly. I am too sick to sleep. We are all equally precious to Him...but He has chosen me for this. In the last two years I have hemorrhaged, had hypothyroidism, 2 surgeries, a miscarriage, a broken foot, a kidney infection (this is day 3 out of the hospital), and the ongoing postpartum psychosis that has been the most unbearable. But friends are having babies, getting married, and experiencing hosts of joyous occasions. This is our God; He is Lord of both.

It encourages me so much to look at Jesus. We don't have to ask if He was valuable to God. And yet He went through All of That, with God fully understanding what He was asking of His Son.

Right now I am nauseated, full of manic wakefullness and anxiety and panic that are beyond my control, and exhausted from not eating or sleeping well for two weeks. I watch the clock, waiting for my family to wake up to help comfort and distract me. And I'm asking God, how long? And reminding Him to have mercy on my humanness. Pleading.

But let me not forget Your mercies, Lord! Willing friends and family who have opened their hands to help me during all of this. A husband who, I have no doubt, has been given HUGE amounts of grace from God to adequately love, encourage and comfort me every day as he does. That my children are somehow surviving all of this. The tears that friends cry for me as they pray for my healing. Thank You for showing your love through these things.